Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Liberal Vocabulary - A Handy-Dandy Glossary

Having a conversation with a liberal is easy, once you learn the language.

There you stand, minding your own business in an elevator or in line at the post office, when a liberal decides to strike up a conversation with you. During the conversation, you hear some familiar words that refer to ideas like rights and freedom, but in the conversation, they don't seem to make any sense to you. Never fear! I've compiled for you, gentle conservatives, a list of the most frequently used terms in liberalspeak with their definitions. Learn these few terms and you will be on the path to understanding what your liberal friends are talking about.

A Glossary Of Terms Used By Liberals

Abortion: The absolutely fundamental right of every women to choose. This is the basic right which completely guarantees the equality of the sexes and must be preserved at all costs. See Rights.

ACORN: A poor, benighted charitable agency that got mercilessly attacked by right wing nut jobs and was forced to close down because Republicans in Congress defunded it.

Anti-American: Anyone who doesn't agree with the current liberalized system of government. This includes anyone who likes the idea of capitalism, limited government, and many democratic principles. See Mob.

Barack Obama: The only president who has ever had the capacity to selflessly change America into a Utopian state. If Republicans, the Tea Party, conservatives, George W. Bush, Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, and the conservative mob would only leave him alone, he could finally work out the solution to governmental perfection. As it is, he's had to circumvent Congress in order to get anything at all done to forward his Utopian ideals. See Conservatives. See Glenn Beck. See Rush Limbaugh. See Mob. See Tea Party.

Benghazi: A place made up by Tea Party fanatics to show how racist they are in trying to derail President Obama's policies.

Bible: An ancient document that has absolutely no connection with modern reality, especially morals and legal codes. See Religion.

Bill of Rights: An outdated and forgotten list of ideas which have no relationship to the modern vision of rights and freedoms. The Bill of Rights only gets in the way of such things as denigrating religion, gun control, and creating a statist federal government. The Bill of Rights, like other ancient documents such as the Bible, no longer serve any useful purpose. See Bible. See Constitution. See Rights.

Birthers: Uneducated idiots who will stop at nothing to attack Barack Obama. See Barack Obama.

Borders: An arbitrary division of land that has no meaning with regard to Mexico, since the whole Southwest was theirs to begin with.

Climate Change: The idea that if you rename something and broaden its definition to be all inclusive, despite any relation to reality, you can still tax it. See Global Warming. See Taxes.

Compromise: What Republicans in Congress need to do in order to adopt liberal policies.

Conservatives: An evil group of individuals whose sole purpose in life is to block progress and to kill all blacks, women, homosexuals, and anyone who disagrees with them. See Republicans. See Tea Party.

Constitution: An old and outdated document that might have been good for something except for the enshrined dogmas of a past generation. It now has little relevance to a modern, sophisticated way of governing. See Rights.

Empiricism: The natural and inevitable end of the whole of Western Civilization, culminating in the United States, the most evil, racist, empire to ever be created.

Entitlements: See Rights.

Equality: The idea that individual rights must be suppressed and submit to the group mind. Anyone who disagrees with the correct group is considered anti-American or racist. See Anti-American. See Racist.

Evil: See Good.

Fairness Doctrine: The idea that some media have an unfair advantage over other media because it is Anti-American. See Anti-American. See Glenn Beck. See Rush Limbaugh.

Fair Share: The amount of money required from the greedy rich to pay off the national debt that George Bush created.

Feminist: Anyone who agrees that abortion is the absolutely fundamental right of every women to choose. Anyone, including women in power, who do not subscribe to absolute fundamental right of abortion are not considered feminists. See Abortion.

Fox News: A radical, right-wing media outlet, no better than the worst hack blogging. No one worth knowing actually watches Fox, and those who do drink deeply of the Fox Kool-Aid. See Free Press. See News.

Freedom: The right to do what liberals want, when and where they want, with no regard to the rights of others, even to disagree. See Free Speech.

Free Press: The government subsidizing of media such as the New York Times or MSNBC, but not such media as Fox News. See Anti-American. See Fox News. See News.

Free Speech: The right, guaranteed by the Constitution, to sue, harass, or intimidate anyone who disagrees with liberal doctrine. Free speech does not include the right to disagree with liberal doctrine. See Bill of Rights. See Politically Correct.

Gays: A group of people who self-identify according sexual preference, who only want to be treated as equals and to have their rights and will force everyone who disagrees with them to believe likewise. See Equality. See LGBTQQ. See Marriage. See Rights.

George W. Bush: Satan or the Great Evil One. He single-handedly destroyed the economy and led us into the worst war ever when he lied to the US. His national debt, foreign policy, executive actions, and illegal war dug a hole so deep, even Barack Obama is having a difficult time ebbing the flow of destruction. See Anti-American. See Fairness Doctrine. See Glenn Beck. See Rush Limbaugh.

Glenn Beck: Satan or the Great Evil One. See Anti-American. See Fairness Doctrine. See George W. Bush. See Rush Limbaugh.

Global Warming: The idea that a good crisis, even if it is not exactly supported by science, is worth all the taxes in the world to fight. See Climate Change. See Taxes.

Good: See Evil.

Government: The only institution that can properly create true equality for all citizens within a country. The more government, the better. Despite fear mongers, the American government can never become despotic as long as liberals are in charge.

Greed: A human vice that occurs when people form corporations, but not, for example, when people form unions, or are elected as a liberal to government office. Corporate owners are always greedy. Liberal politicians are always altruistic, working for the good of all people.

Harry Reid: The only sane member of Congress, without whom the Republicans would run amok and destroy all of the great work President Obama has done. He is also the lone voice protecting the world from the Koch brothers. See Koch Brothers.

Hate Crimes: The idea that crimes committed against individuals of protected classes are more heinous than the same crimes committed against conservatives. See Protected Class.

Healthcare: The government finally stepping in to make sure all Americans have affordable health insurance, free condoms, and free abortions. See Government. See Greed.

Hillary Clinton: The best hope for America to redeem its years of oppression and bigotry by finally electing a woman to the office of president of the United States. It is much more important to ensure that a woman, or a black man, gets elected to office, than it is to have someone who will actually help the country and promote its best interests.

Illegal Immigrant: A mythical creature. See Immigrant.

Immigrant: A potential Democrat voter. Immigrants from Mexico and other Latin American countries are especially welcome in the United States because we're all Americans anyway. Plus, they ensure that Democrats will stay in power in order to continue creating the great Utopian society. These immigrants must integrate fully and immediately into the US social welfare system.

IRS: A group of poor, misunderstood people who are working hard every day to ensure that rich people pay their fair share of taxes. See Fair Share.

Koch Brothers: Two evil rich guys who greedily use their money to support the Tea Party and force poor, starving students to take low-paying jobs. If Harry Reid hates them so much, they must be the greatest threat to national security the country has ever known. See Harry Reid.

LGBTQQ: A community of gays and others who self-identify as protected class citizens to gain equality by forcing states to change marriage laws. See Equality. See Gays. See Protected Class. See Rights.

Marriage: The union of any two people for the purposes of gaining equal rights and protected class status. Marriage has absolutely nothing to do with biology or with raising children. See Equality. See Gay. See Protected Class. See Rights.

Mob: Anyone who disagrees with modern liberalism and dares to speak up in a public forum. Also applied to those who speak against healthcare. See Healthcare. See Vast Right Wing Conspiracy.

News: Anything said or implied by any news media except Fox News. For example, Balloon Boy and the death of Michael Jackson were news. The terrorist attack on the US consulate in Libya was not. See ACORN. See Fox News. See Free Press.

Photo ID: Racist concept that would keep legitimate voters away from the polls. Also a great idea to nationalize to create the Utopian ideal in order to ensure that rights are upheld by an all-caring government. 

Politically Correct: A misnomer from the vast right wing conspiracy to discredit the only, true way for all Americans to think. See Vast Right Wing Conspiracy.

Protected Class: The concept that some people are born more equal under the law than others, because they believe in liberal doctrine and self-identify with a liberal group. See Equality.

Racism: Attacks on anyone from any group who holds sacred the doctrine of liberalism. Racism really has nothing to do with race, because it applies to any liberal special interest group, including abortionists, homosexuals, and the transgendered. See Protected Class.

Religion: The freedom to believe in some sky-daddy, as long as such belief never enters into the public arena in any way, shape or form, since the Constitution guarantees a separation of church and state. See Bill of Rights. See Freedom.

Republican: A political party, often mistaken for conservatives, representing brainless toads whose only goal in the US is to prop up big businesses, destroy the environment, kill poor people and kittens, and block President Obama's agenda to create Utopia. See Conservative.

Rich: A nebulous class of conservative citizens who represent one of the major barriers to developing a Utopian society. This class must be taxed into extinction, unless, of course, the individuals adhere to liberal doctrine. Democrats with a lot of money are never considered rich.

Rights: Any thought or action liberals deem appropriate to a shifting society, with no regard to Constitutional enumeration, or public opinion. Also, any number of government mandated expenses or entitlements. Recognition of such entitlements as rights is central to liberal doctrine. See Constitution.

Rush Limbaugh: Satan or the Great Evil One. See Anti-American. See Fairness Doctrine. See George W. Bush. See Glenn Beck.

Sensitivity Training: The idea that, if caught early enough, conservatives can be turned into liberals or at least to discover the homosexual hiding within.

Separation of Church and State: The enlightened interpretation of the outdated 1st Amendment to the Constitution. No one who claims to be religious should be allowed to have a say in government or to speak up in public, except Muslims. See Bill of Rights. See Constitution.

Sex Education: When taught in schools, this is only possible means for children to learn how to properly use condoms in the belief that there is such a thing as safe sex. Before sex education, all children were at the mercy of their parents to pass along incorrect sexual mores and attitudes. See Marriage.

Tax: Redistribution of wealth. A means of controlling corporate greed and the rich. See Greed. See Rich.

Tea Party: A nefarious group of individuals whose sole purpose in life is to block progress and to kill all blacks, women, homosexuals, and anyone who disagrees with them. Usually associated with Republicans unless Republicans don't agree with Democrats. Then the Tea Party becomes the evil drive behind Republican power. Also known as teabaggers. See Conservatives. See Republicans.

The One: See Barack Obama.

Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: A group of people who, if properly educated and who would give up religion, would become liberals. See Religion.

Washington Redskins: A football team whose sole purpose is to denigrate Native Americans and be a symbol of US empiricism.