OK. I admit it.1 I caused all the problems with the economy and the government. And you know what? It's a relief to finally get that confession off my chest. In fact, the relief has overwhelmed me and I feel like confessing all of my anti-establishment sins.2
You see, I've discovered that I agree with the basic principles that the Tea Party seems to express: limited government, lower taxes, and reduced government spending. While I thought that my ideas came from such sources as the Declaration of Independence, the US Constitution, the Federalist Papers, and the political philosophies of such thinkers as John Locke, John Adams, Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Jefferson, James Monroe, and Alexander Hamilton, I've recently discovered the error of my ways.
Apparently, my mistaken ideas about how the government should be structured and run stems from my having been brainwashed by a group of racist, terrorist, economy killing, kitten eating, freaked-out white men who forced Standard & Poor's to downgrade the credit rating of the US.3
Whew! That's another relief to get that off my chest.
I know that I'm racist. Why? It's because I'm a white male. Oh, and I'm not white male who is a member of the Democrat Party or even a member of a labor union. Yep, it's true. Even though I work within the state college system, I haven't joined the union. (I just figured I'd like to use my own money instead of having more of it vanish to support Democrats.) I'm also not a member of the Republican Party, but that doesn't seem to count to qualify me as a non-racist.
I also know that I'm a racist because one of my friends told me that I was. He was upset that I'd posted a video explaining the historical relationship between the Democrat Party to slavery, the KKK, Jim Crow laws and voting against the Civil Rights laws of the 1960s. Apparently Democrats don't like to be reminded of their own past flings with racism. They deny their historical roots so they can keep and hold political power. My friend didn't like the connection as well and has since disowned me.
So I guess I'm racist by default.
I'm a terrorist too because I...well I...uh.... Actually, I have no idea why I'm a terrorist. Can someone please get Joe Biden to explain that one to me?
I take full and personal responsibility for killing the economy, however. I bought right into the whole corporate structure thing and created several corporations of my own. I've turned them to nefarious purposes by placing my money in such flaky and insubstantial investments such as real estate. (Come to think of it, since the economy collapsed in 2008, real estate wasn't such a great investment. Dang! I knew I should have bought gold at $500 an ounce!) I'm also simply not doing my part as a corporate owner and taking risks to grow my companies. That's because I've been sitting around on my butt waiting to be able to get corporate loans from stingy banks, waiting for the SEC rules to stabilize so I can plan investments, waiting for real estate prices to stabilize, waiting for the government to make some decision on capital gains and corporate taxes, and waiting for the government to decide how to address the bad economy. (It's selfish for me to wait. I know.)
I also refused to borrow money at the great subprime rates that Congress allowed. Instead, I wasted 15 years saving enough money to earn a decent loan rate to buy a house I could afford. I helped kill off the economy by not participating in the 2008 subprime loan crash. I admit to my selfishness.
I admit that I'm a freaked out white man. Maybe if I weren't white or male, I wouldn't worry about such things as the cut back on teachers' pay at my college, the real estate that I own but cannot sell, the threat of new taxes, the rising gas prices, the loss of a majority of my business clients, and the broken air conditioner. I'm sure I wouldn't worry about any of those things if I were a Latina woman. Or a Democrat. Instead I'm just a freaked out white man.
Me as a freaked out white man.
Lastly, I also admit to causing all of the continued unemployment in the US. I know the news keeps telling us that unemployment is dropping, but I've been secretly preventing millions of Americans from finding the jobs they need in order to support themselves. In connection with this, I've welcomed hundreds of thousands of immigrants across the Mexican border, because I want to pay less money to have my grass mowed and my Taco Bell burritos served.
It's all my fault. Now can we get someone else in the White House and Congress to fix it?
1satire |ˈsaˌtīr| noun
The use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people's stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.
2I won't, however.
3I just made up the part about eating kittens. No one's said that Tea Party members eat kittens, and there are only a few references to George W. Bush eating kittens.