Monday, September 15, 2014

The American Association of Affirmative Action Abortionists, or, Abortion Ad Nauseum


I'm writing this after getting back to my office from a lunch meeting of the American Association of Affirmative Action Abortionists! (the AAAAA!). After a terrific Italian sushi meal, we were treated to a keynote address from Jennifer Troundly, vice-president of advertising for the AAAAA! I don't have an iPhone to record such meetings, but I took copious notes in order to bring you the latest in Women's Choice.

Ms. Troundly began her presentation, launching directly into the latest AAAAA! concern. Citing statistics from several recent studies, she shocked the attendees with this bombshell.
We are dismayed to find from many recent studies that black women have far more abortions than white women, somewhere at a rate of 5 to 1. We, at the AAAAA! find this an unacceptable disparity in abortions. As we know, blacks make up only about 13% of the total US population. Clearly abortions have become racially biased. This is unfair abortion practice. Despite the gains we've made in electing politicians who are almost universally pro-choice, and despite having the most pro-choice president ever elected, government is not doing its job to ensure equal opportunity abortions in the United States. It falls on the AAAAA! to push at the local, state, and federal levels to ensure racial equality for abortions.
Ms. Troundly went on to outline a multi-step plan of AAAAA! to promote abortion equality.
Clearly, we need to commend all black women, who are doing their part in exercising their reproductive rights. We should praise the virtue and determination these brave women show in preserving women's rights in America. 
However, the message of a woman's right to choose isn't getting out to other women, white women in particular, and we're afraid that freedom of choice is being stifled once again by hateful and tyrannic people such as Republicans, Catholics, Evangelicals, and other religious nuts.
The obvious plan points to our need to encourage more white women to exercise their right to choose in order to balance the racial gap.
Ms. Troundly then referred to a PowerPoint presentation.
We are working closely with government-funded agencies such as Planned Parenthood to bring abortions among white women up to statistical balance. This involves applying standard Affirmative Action methods to enable more white women to exercise their right to reproductive health by having more abortions. We include efforts to maximize the benefits of abortion diversity in all levels of society and to redress disadvantages due to overt, institutional, or involuntary discrimination against women. 
To help promote our cause, the SEIU has indicated a willingness to canvass at-risk neighborhoods in order to get the word out to white women to encourage them to exercise their reproductive rights. The SEIU will also sponsor grassroots campaigns in fifteen of the largest cities in the US.
In connection with teachers unions in all 57 states, we have developed an active K-12 in-school program to educate young, white girls about the pain and suffering of actually giving birth. We have contracted with Michael Moore to produce a documentary to be shown in every school in America, "Giving Birth: Is It Really Worth the Hassle?" Today's teens are not properly educated about how much pain and suffering a woman has to go through to actually carry a baby full term and then give birth. We'd like to ensure that every girl, from kindergarten through high school understands what a chore having a baby can be.
We are also petitioning the College Board, the company that creates standardized testing for Common Core, to include questions in its history, English, and biology exams to indicate the benefits of women's choice over the burden and hassle raising children can be. Since Common Core curriculum is driven by the standardized tests, it will only be a matter of a year or so before textbooks include materials to teach all school children the benefits of women's choice.
We have also contracted with Gobbler LLC, a national telemarketing firm to present creative offers to stimulate interest in abortion services for white women. For example, now at seventy-three selected abortion clinics across the United States, we offer a free box of Omaha steaks with every abortion. Women can have their abortion and then enjoy their choice of ten delicious prime rib or filet mignon steaks. 
This incentive program has worked well so far but doesn't always reach our target goals for white women. We are currently opening several abortion spas in upper-class neighborhoods in seven major US cities. Money for this project was kindly funded with discretionary funds from President Obama. We hope that these spas will attract upper class white women who, after their abortion, can spend the rest of a relaxing day receiving a massage and a pedicure. 
As a final measure, we will also closely track embryo sales to stem cell research firms in order to provide enough embryo donations for this important research. Also funded by discretionary spending, stem cell research facilities will be given grants to advertise to women who wish to sell embryos for research.
With these new systems, the racial inequities of abortion can erased. Remember, we're just trying to level the playing field and restore racial balance to a woman's right to choose.
I quickly finished the last bit of my Sushi Alfredo, then slipped out the back door. The attendees had all erupted into applause, loudly chanting "Right to Choose! Right to Choose! Right to Choose!"