Thursday, October 15, 2015

What I Learned from the Democrat Candidates' Debate


I didn't watch the Democrat candidates' debate. For that matter, I didn't watch the Republican debate either. There is not enough time in the world for me to waste it listening to people who are habitual liars, thieves, cheats, and simpletons. I don't like either party. I don't like most of the candidates. I don't like boiled spinach. And I really don't like Brussels sprouts.

As Mercutio put it after being stabbed: "A plague o' both your houses!"

I did, however, read the debates. It saves me time. I read fast.

After taking a look at the Democrat debates, this is what I've learned:

The Democratic Party is a misnomer. The party leaders care little for the people (the demos) or for our ability to govern ourselves (cratia).

The most important political principle in the US today is income inequality. It's much, much more important than, say, freedom or liberty. I mean, to Bernie or Hillary, two rich white people, the rich white people are the root of all evil. Or something.

The people of the US absolutely cannot take care of themselves and must, nay, demand that a president wave a magic wand, say bippity-boppity-boo and make all income inequality go away. Money will magically appear out of thin air, and there will no longer be any poor or rich - just one big, happy middle class.

All income inequality is caused by Republicans. Or something.

The office of President of the United States is based entirely on who can give away the most free stuff: free healthcare, free abortions, free college, free vacations, free living wage increases, and free root beer in the drinking fountains. No, wait. I'm confusing the candidates with my eighth grade class elections. No, wait. No, I'm not.

No one really cares about the national debt of $18 trillion. It's all fake money anyway, right?

Hillary deserves to be President of the US because she's a woman. Or something.

Bernie deserves to be President of the US because, hey, free stuff.

Hillary can lie about committing federal crimes with her email server because, hey, Bernie's got her back. And so does the press. And apparently Americans couldn't care less if their candidate for President of the United States is a felon.

Free stuff and the race to socialize the country is much, much more important than national security.

Whenever Bernie mentioned raising taxes on the rich, he drew applause. Apparently, everyone now hates rich people. Well, rich people except for Bernie and Hillary. And Barack. And maybe Goldman Sachs. And Donald Trump.

The inalienable right to life is no longer inalienable. Go Planned Parenthood!

The biggest threat to the United States today is not the national debt. It's not Islamist terrorists. It's not a failing government. It's not the moral decay that protects the "right" to chop up babies and sell their parts.

No. To Hillary, it's Republicans. To Bernie, it's Wall Street. Or something. To the rest, it's the weather.

Heaven help us.